Space without you

It's been 30 years since you left. Gone, or you simply transformed elsewhere into something else. Who knows. And yet, you stayed so close and so deeply rooted here, right in the middle of all existence. I couldn't touch you, but I could feel your presence. I couldn't hear or see you, but I felt the intensity of your journeys beyond in the silence of my own heart and the depth of my own body. I was with you and you were with me. And it's still the case now, just differently.

You left because you lost faith in Life. You no longer knew how to love and how to be loved in your own deep Nature. You felt there was nothing left to do here. You had no hope for metamorphosis or healing. You got lost in your own forest of ignorance and didn't know how to get out without abandoning your physical body along the way. You decided to die. All this to realize that you cannot escape evolution, your consciousness, or even Life, even if you decided to do so in a disembodied form or in other planes of existence.

Your physical body was sick after a quite serious accident. You were in a coma for several weeks. Despite the almost non-existent chances, you came back anyway and you stood up the same. You were strong enough. At least enough to start living a little again, but apparently not enough to relearn how to enjoy life as you could before. You didn't know how to remain courageous and in your inner power in a weakened body that had a deep ailment because of your own unconsciousness and ignorance.

Your silent suffering could no longer be contained within your deep Being. You had no idea how to express it other than by destroying your physical body even more. Because you had no idea how to heal it in an environment even more unconscious and frightened than you. You had no idea how to recreate a fulfilled life in a body that no longer listened to you as before. How to become something else that you already knew you were. How to follow your dreams and your own desires beyond the insane demands of the people you loved. Knowing how to put your pleasure and your joy before the fears and insecurities of others who counted on you, on your quick recovery, and on your radical inner transformation.

It's been 30 years and it still hurts. In all transparency and to my disappointment with myself, what I realize right now is: a part of me still blames you for dying so soon. I thought I was at peace, I believed I had let you go for real and everywhere. I had the faith to be sincere in my belief that I had fully integrated my grief. I thought that the fact that you showed me immortality and opened my horizons to the impossible in the worlds beyond, it would make me understand better, forgive you, and accept your departure.

But apparently, there are still traces of bitterness deep within me that I may not have finished integrating properly. I couldn't blame you before because I loved you so much and because it was so painful to feel your deep suffering in my little child's body so open and so connected to you. It couldn't have been your fault. I didn't believe either that it was anyone else's fault. But social conditioning dictates that we must find the culprit. We must find someone to blame for our losses and our sufferings. Apparently, it hurts less. I'm really not sure about that, but some seem very convinced of it. So, I blamed life itself instead. My mother. Her family. Your job. The doctors. Society. And even God himself.

I was looking for culprits too. I needed to find a way to justify your departure to feel a little less pain in the end. But let's be honest. In reality, you created your own death. You left in a "natural" way with a heart attack that came out of nowhere. Yeah, right. My eye. You already knew this "nowhere" very well and where it came from too. It's "death" itself that took you in its arms. It was your time, your destiny, or I don't know what other nonsense we were made to believe to artificially soothe our grief following your departure. But you know as well as I do that at the level of your consciousness, you already knew it and well before it came to take you in its arms. You called for it. You asked it to transform you. You offered your physical body to death of your own free will.

Even if I don't understand everything, I have learned to accept and trust things that I don't necessarily understand right away. I know that this decision was right for you and I have full faith that your departure was necessary for your own evolution and transformation. But it's also important to name things as they really are. You decided to leave on your own. It was your choice. You were not a victim of your circumstances. You were just tired of fighting and you thought you would be more "useful" in the invisible than in the visible and in your body among us. You thought you could better support the people you love in Spirit from the Source than in flesh and blood here with us, with me and on Earth.

And maybe you were right. Or maybe not. I don't know. But today I can recognize the wisdom and intelligence of your evolutionary strategy over time. I see how you came to such a conclusion. I know what it's like to face this kind of decision and difficult choices. I know what it's like to have death on the phone and to try to negotiate with a better life. I know how sometimes death can seem more welcoming and even more benevolent than life. I know how the piercing cold of solitary nonexistence seems safer than the warmth of our own fire burning us from within to force us to follow our deepest desires.

I see how it's simpler to love from a distance, from the Source, in the invisible than to do it in the discomfort of the unconsciousness of beings incarnated in form, in matter, in density, and even in Nature itself.

You were not here to fight or to make war. Everyone knew that. No one asked you to do it either. You had nothing to prove to anyone. You didn't care about status, money, recognition, or whatever else. You were indifferent to the external chaos that had nothing true or just for you. Because you saw the Beauty of simply being ourselves and intimately interdependent with our community, Humanity, and Nature. You were here to love, to be connected to others, to create with your heart, to live in joy, pleasure, and the simplicity of the present moment.

But you were in an environment and with people who preferred to be afraid and to fight with each other for no reason instead of loving each other and creating even more love together. Your society wanted to ensure their survival in a context of evolution completely stifled, disoriented, and traumatized by their own incomprehensible and very painful history. Everyone was a little lost during that time in the country where you were. It's normal and human. But you were a little different from the overall mass of your surroundings. You were too simple. You were too deep. You were not in the right place and at the right time it seems.

You were not understood. People wanted something else from you that you already were. Your divine gift and its essence were Space, Presence, and Unconditional Love. But people wanted from you Strength, Power, Authority, and Courage. My mother projected onto you what she was not capable of recognizing in herself. She made you believe that your gifts were not enough and that you must also master hers to be worthy of her ultimate love and tenderness.

She didn't understand that your Strength was your Presence simply. That your inner Power was the infinite Space and that your Courage was your Unconditional Love for all Life as a whole and not just for her. She wanted you to love her differently. She wanted you to love her more than your own Nature.

You didn't know how to give her that other than by making the pact with death and by abandoning your physical body for good. You may have thought you could more easily give her what she wanted from the beyond than in the heaviness of your human shell. You may have thought you could become a better Father to us there than you were when you played the role of our perfectly imperfect dad here. I have no idea what you thought or not, but the question that arises for me today is: did you ultimately succeed in getting what you really wanted? Did you ultimately succeed in being loved and loving as you truly wished?

...

Fuck you my dear Papa of love.

It strangely feels good to finally name it. It's interesting for me as a discovery. I never thought I would do it one day or even feel such a thing inside of me. I never thought I would tell you this. But well, here we are apparently. I often told my mother to fuck off and projected onto her the incredible amounts of pure rage that my inner child stored in his system following your death. Some things needed to be said. Some things belong to her and she must take her own courage in hand to face them. She is capable of doing it. You know as well as I do.

She's already doing it too. She walks her path with her head held high as usual, with a heart fragile but so courageous and radiant at the same time. Her Strength is Resilience. Her Power is her Sovereignty. Her Unconditional Love is her Courage, her Freedom, and her boundless Determination. She loves a little differently too. Differently, but very deeply as well.

She may not have fully understood you and she may not have been able to open up to the frequency of your wisdom and divine love as much as you would have liked to be felt by her. But you?

Did you manage to see her for who she really is? Did you manage to be inspired by her to learn courage and audacity to stay here no matter what, to root yourself in your physical body no matter its condition in the moment? And to have the strength and the will to transform yourself no matter the inner pain and the outer circumstances as she was capable of? Did you manage to recognize and welcome the truth of your own inner strength and power behind her rigidity and apparent coldness? Did you understand that staying here is still more useful, pleasant, and even courageous than becoming the infinite Space in the Everywhere and for eternity just to flee the discomfort of the present moment.

You can be and do whatever you want in the invisible, except to truly be with us here and now. Not knowing you in your physical body more, being able to hold you in my arms a little more, play a game of chess with you with a beer, laugh or cry for no reason together. Never having had the chance to experience all that with you makes me hurt and still pisses me off today.

Even though I know you are still there, even more than before, because I can feel your essence, your presence, your love in literally every atom and particle of this completely absurd and equally beautiful reality. But you are no longer here to experience it with your senses, your body, and to fully share this experience of physical reality with me, with us, and with your grandchildren.

I know it's a bit ridiculous and potentially very immature, but there's a part of me that still blames you a little for deciding to play this game of existence outside the body that was my dad. For you, it was just a costume and a not too funny play. For me, the body you left was the only thing that made sense and that I really needed in my child's reality to not get too lost.

Finally, the Father never got to play your true role as a dad that I needed. Even if it's all an illusion. Even if that's not really how it works. Even if there are still so many things I don't know. My infinite gratitude for what you offered me in all the other plans and spaces of existence since you left is sincere and deep, but still has a little taste of bitterness for me. I feel deeply conflicted about what is right or wrong. Kind or not. Aligned or corrupted. Sometimes I even confuse what life and death really mean.

And, I needed to name it to you. Even though you are everywhere and at all times, I know you cannot help me digest and integrate this kind of contradiction into my consciousness. You cannot save me. You cannot free me from myself. I can only do it alone. I can only do it elsewhere than in my own physical body which is probably the most beautiful gift you gave me by co-creating me with my mother with so much love and pleasure.

I want to learn to take care of my body a little better than you were able to do for yours. I would like that, even if I'm not yet totally sure how I'm going to do it. I don't want to suffer anymore, but I don't want to call death to my aid either to try to escape the existential discomfort of my own evolution. I don't want to lose myself in my addictions, my confusions, and my stories to soothe my emotional suffering. I don't want ease and comfort just because I'm too cowardly to name my deep truth as it is. I don't want to be afraid of not being enough. Or of being too much. I just want to be who I am simply.

Not like you, everywhere and all the time simultaneously, but fully incarnated in the here and now and all that deeply in my own physical body and my own unique Nature. With the people I love and not by sacrificing myself for them.

Thank you for trusting me to get there one day.

Thank you for being so close and always.

Thank you for your support and connection.

Thank you for Space.

Thank you for Light.

Thank you for Life.

Thank you for Faith.

Thank you for Love.

I love you Dad.