Sometimes, English can be quite confusing. Why do we say "break up" when people separate? They often seem very broken, true, but they are usually feeling down, not up. So wouldn’t it make more sense to say "we broke down our romantic relationship" instead of "we broke up"?
Maybe, maybe not. Perhaps there’s a logical reason we use this phrase. If the separation is done properly, it could elevate both parties, bringing them up in a way that’s healing and transformative.
However, it can also be deeply painful, confusing, and full of suffering if we don’t master the art of breaking up with love, respect, and care.
We usually fall in love with our best selves and qualities; we should also learn how to get out of it (or break up) with the same honour, dignity, and self-respect.
Breaking up is a key and normal process in all types of relationships. No one said breakups are bad or should never happen, but we need to learn how to make them conscious, meaningful, and filled with deep compassion and love for each other—with the same care and tenderness with which we fell in love, and with the same respect and self-integrity.
Separation is not supposed to break you down; it’s supposed to empower you and the other person even more. You usually break up because your relationship is already so-so or very "down." So, the real intention and purpose when you separate is to bring yourself to a happier and more elevated state than you were in with that person. Ultimately, you’re aiming for the "up."
Now, how do we ensure we don’t lose ourselves in the heartbreak and cry our brains out before getting better and happier?
First, you need to break up like responsible and mature adults, not like angry, immature, and deeply wounded adolescents.
Both of you need to consciously understand why the relationship didn’t work (even if it seems like it didn’t work only for one of you). The reasons need to be real and honest. Both parties must be fully transparent with themselves and each other about why separation is the best way forward for the relationship to evolve and transform. The specific reasons don’t matter as much as the honesty about them. The more sincere and authentic you are, the more you can make the breakup process meaningful, regenerative, and coherent. This will help both of you recover and process your feelings more easily.
The more authentic and sincere you are with each other, the more the breakup can actually be a deeply nourishing and even pleasurable process.
If your mind has absolute clarity about why things are the way they are, yes, your heart will still suffer, but it will also find peace and bliss. Your mind won’t be confused, searching for nonexistent answers to unimportant questions. You will feel whatever you have to feel, but you won’t create additional suffering from the deep pain you experience.
Pain is a normal part of separation, and separations are a normal part of life. However, suffering is truly unnecessary.
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So, how do we make sure we don’t suffer and that the breakup doesn’t bring us down even more than the relationship already did? How do we make it deeply transformative and truly beneficial for both of us? How do we actually take care of each other with love, care, and compassion when we’re not together anymore?
Can we go through the grief of a breakup with compassion and love? If so, how do we do that?
Maybe if we understood the mechanics and dynamics of the separation process better, we could go through it with more joy and fun. If we master the breakup process as an art, it can become quite enjoyable—still probably heartbreaking, but somehow deeply satisfying at the same time.
So, how do we learn this?
An interesting example to use would be a professional breakup. We actually know how to handle this in a coherent and meaningful way (even though we don’t always use this knowledge and sometimes fire people heartlessly, we still know how it works to minimize suffering).
We usually recover from a professional breakup more easily and enjoyably than from a romantic one.
Yes, it’s probably this way because our love life is more intimate and vulnerable than our work life, but still. Many of us can be deeply in love with our work and still choose to leave and do something else elsewhere. We might break up our professional relationship because we simply want something different now. It’s not because we don’t love our job or colleagues anymore; we just want to experience something new.
When that happens in a healthy work environment, we usually organize a celebration party for the person leaving, highlighting this important step in their life and officially marking their professional breakup with some fun. Yes, emotions and deep grief will likely be there too—some will be sad, some might be happy—but in all cases, everyone will experience something when a separation happens at work. It’s deeply emotional, no matter what.
Our job is a very important part of our lives, and we often spend more time there than with our romantic partner. For many, work takes more time and energy than love or family life. It’s normal to feel affected and emotionally touched by any kind of separation, even in a professional setting. We do feel deep pain (even if we’re happy) when we change jobs.
But we rarely suffer because someone at work left to follow their dreams somewhere else. And usually, the person who left doesn’t suffer much because of the separation once they’re gone.
So, what do they do differently? Why does this process work perfectly for work but create so much more suffering in romantic relationships?
It’s about expectations and rules.
At work, rules are usually very clear. There’s always a code of conduct. There’s a way to leave respectfully and appropriately. We’ve put in place social rules and legal processes to ensure that you use your inner power, dignity, and integrity to break up with your job in a responsible and accountable way.
We have logistical processes that ensure we properly cut ties and put a final dot on our relationship in a clean and mutually understood way.
We engage and commit when we start a new job, and we often hope to grow and evolve in the same company forever, in coherence with who we truly are. We don’t mind signing a "marriage" contract with a job for an indeterminate period of time. Most people with permanent jobs are kind of "married" to their work. But we also always have the freedom to walk away. We can easily get "divorced" if our job no longer matches what we want or desire.
We usually don’t feel guilty or ashamed to name what doesn’t work for us anymore, and we’re not scared to separate and get "married" to another company to fulfill our needs and desires elsewhere. And we can still keep a good relationship with our old colleagues and visit our old office from time to time.
You might feel sad and nostalgic when that happens. It’s normal—you had emotional attachments to those people and places. Revisiting it can surface many emotions in you, and it might even be a bit painful. But you usually won’t suffer. It might even be a satisfying kind of pain, but not real deep suffering.
What’s the difference between pain and suffering? Consciousness. How conscious, open, and transparent you are with your emotions will determine how much pain is transformed into suffering—or not.
The more honesty you have with yourself, the more mental clarity and openness to feel the pain, the less you’ll suffer.
This is how they manage to break up with fun and pleasure.
They make sure they’re honest, fully clear, and not afraid to feel emotions or talk about them. They write cards and buy flowers to celebrate the "breakup." They express their deep gratitude for the experience they shared. They share their love and respect, even if it’s sad to separate. They’re okay with feeling sad and talking about it together.
Maybe this is the secret to a healthy co-processing of separation grief—to ensure we properly integrate its wisdom and use it to nourish our souls with even more fun and pleasure, to ensure we go even more "up" together, even if separated forever from now on.
Authenticity and transparency. Clarity and understanding. Celebration and gratitude.
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We can always fully commit and deeply engage in something or with someone, but that doesn’t mean it’s forever or truly unconditional.
Forever might become really long and boring at some point. And unconditional can become deeply abusive, confusing, and full of suffering. So maybe we shouldn’t promise those things to each other.
Full commitment and engagement are perfectly fine. Forever and unconditionally might be a bit too much.
You should always keep the "condition" to be able to freely choose yourself no matter what. Your happiness, dreams, and desires are good reasons to separate, even if it’s deeply painful. But when you make this process about yourself and not about others, it’s never really suffering. It might even become deeply pleasurable and exciting.
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