True Desire

What is my true desire? Why do I feel pain when I ask myself this question? What is uncomfortable within me with the concept of wanting, wishing, desiring? Why do tears fall on my face every time I am asked to look deeper inside and listen to my own authentic desires?

Desire is also a very interesting concept. But, it's very sensitive for me. This one is so much more difficult to contemplate purely on a mental level. I don't even know how to contemplate this, to be honest. I feel powerless here. I know it's a place that wants to be witnessed and integrated, but it's hard and deeply uncomfortable for me.

I feel fear and shame.

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Based on the online etymology dictionary, Desire means:

"to wish or long for, express a wish to obtain," c. 1200, desiren, from Old French desirrer (12c.) "wish, desire, long for," from Latin desiderare "long for, wish for; demand, expect,"

the original sense perhaps being "await what the stars will bring," from the phrase de sidere "from the stars," from sidus (genitive sideris) "heavenly body, star, constellation."

Based on Google, to desire simply means to strongly wish for or want (something).

Now, what does it mean in my inner system? How do I experience the concept of desire in my own life? What kind of incoherencies do I perceive in the outside reality about it?

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One of the phrases that comes to mind right now is: 'no one cares what you want, do what's needed.'

My mother used to say this to me way too often during my childhood.

So, here we are, the first deep program. The polarity between the 'want' and the 'need'. As if they are not compatible together. As if what we need cannot be the same as what I desire. As if it were always a choice. As if desires were not important, judged, ashamed, and should probably be repressed if we want to be decent human beings.

I can see the deeper wisdom she tried to show me. What she said was actually true, but only about superficial, instinctual, and unstable desires. There are two categories of desires: true and false. She was teaching me the difference between both in her own way. The real 'what's needed' is actually tightly related to the concept of true desire.

So, I guess today, I could rewrite this phrase as: 'no one cares about your self-made empty-of-meaning desires in the moment, go for the real one. True desire is the way to go! This is what you (and we) actually need and want.'

Hmm, interesting reframing. I wish I had understood this a bit earlier. Might have saved me at least two years of therapy and a lot of troubles.

The part that I didn't understand back then was that there are also two categories of needs as well. True needs and artificial needs. True needs are simple, transcendental, and coherent with the whole already. Artificial needs are based on limiting beliefs, corrupted mental schemes, unintegrated trauma, and a very broken and dysfunctional social system.

My inner distortion comes from the fact that I see clearly the difference between true desire and a superficial one, but I seem to be more confused and blind about what is the real need or just some sort of psychotic manipulation move from a wounded part of myself (or the other).

When we express our true desires, we actually transform and destroy false and superficial needs in us and in the system. We sort of break the spell. This is why it is so hard and this is why desire is such a shameful topic today. The shame does not come from the desire itself; the shame comes from the fact that you need to break the established system of beliefs in your psyche (and in the system) about what is that you truly need and desire.

In the system, we manipulate and control your needs, not your desires.

Because needs live in your head, we can easily control and play with them to make you believe that you have superficial desires based on the artificial needs you have on your mind. But, we cannot do the same for your body. The true desires live in your body. And only You can access them.

This is why marketing campaigns are never about your true desires. Only you can manipulate your body and know what your true desire is. But, if we control your needs, we can create a bunch of superficial desires in your system, and afterward sell you a bunch of useless crap to satisfy those needs we have created in your head with the same advertisement tool.

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Accessing true desire is potentially the most challenging endeavor on personal and collective paths of evolution today.

The entire 'system' is built on the idea that you cannot (and should not) have access to it. You cannot operate in the system based on your true desire without deeply transforming and modifying that system. Because if we all create based on our true desires, all of the artificial needs and all of the superficial desires simply disappear from our consciousness and from our reality.

This is why, you will always face outside resistance when you act on your true desire, because the system, like all of us, wants only one thing: to survive. And, if your authentic desire is to transform and regenerate the system itself, she will resist even more. This is the same fear of dying, but in and about the system directly.

The system is probably immortal like all of us. So, it's not really about dying, it's about transformation. Renewal. Metamorphosis. Change.

We fear the change, not the death.

Why do we fear change? Because in order to create change, we need to feel the pain of what is not working for us anymore. This is the real alchemy. We fear to feel the pain we have imposed on ourselves and others in the past. The terrors we did to each other are too big to bear, to feel and to accept. But, all of that is necessary in order to actually transform it into something else.

So finally, maybe it's not the system that is scared of change, it's just us who deeply fear facing our own truth and feel the depth of our own soul and its story.

True desire is the gold nugget you find under your own shit.

Once you have pulled all the layers of superficial desires solely created to numb your pain of being a human being, you might one day access that space and create from your authentic and true desire.