Invisible Trauma

Since some undefined period of time, I am integrating one of the weirdest traumas to talk about and to contemplate.

It took me months to just try to name it in my own system and understand what it is all about to truly see how it’s all interconnected with many of my experiences. It took me even longer to be able to name it out loud to someone without feeling strange or crazy.

I still don't know if I actually have a name for it or even if I understand the extend of its impacts on the overall functioning of my mind and my consciousness today.

...

Before I was 3, my dad died.

I loved him very much and I had a very strong multidimensional 'connection' to him on many different levels and in many different realms.

When his physical body was not here anymore, the only way I could remain connected to him was through the 'energy' in the invisible worlds.

And I did keep that connection.

Even if this has potentially contributed the most to my ability to navigate the ‘subtle energy’ field and intuitively understand invisible worlds today, I never got over the bitterness and the resentment in my system to not being able to see, to hear, to touch and to experience my dad in my physical reality while I was growing up.

This has made me a very confused kid. The only way I could feel an authentic and genuine connection with someone was 'up there' in the spirit world, but I was lonely, sad and angry as fuck in my body and in my physical reality of a child.

I knew and I felt that I was loved and supported, but my body was never able to receive that confirmation in my sensed reality. I didn't have the proof with something I can experience with my 5 senses. This distortion between the visible and the invisible was too painful for me and somehow still is.

This has happened with more people in my life.

When I was 5, my godfather (to whom I was also very close) committed suicide.

On my 9th birthday, my only grandfather died.

With him, my experience of the limit between visible and invisible was challenged to another level.

A couple of weeks after his death, I saw him in one of the rooms of the house in a very weird texture. It's like he was there but half transparent. It was like his body but made of water and smoke and not out of matter.

I knew I could interact with him and somehow, I also knew he saw me.

I got scared as fuck. I could not go to the house by myself for a long time after that. It was too much. I was not ready to see the invisible inside the visible world. I had no idea how to be in that kind of reality.

When I was 12, my uncle got killed. During that period, I was witnessing a lot of visible and invisible connections, but now on a more systemic scale with a bit more complex dynamics involved.

....

All of those losses have contributed to my deep ocean of sadness and confusion, but also this was somehow opening some new paths in the realms beyond the 'ordinary' reality.

But it was too much. I got seriously mad after the 'god' and everything else around it. I closed my self to many things in my teenager years. I become rational, grounded and physical.

'What I can see and touch is real, what I don't is not.' It was the belief that was more suiting for me at that age.

The only way I loved interacting with people was face to face. I had a deep need and longing for human connection and intimacy I can experience with all my senses.

I didn't have a computer and I didn't have a phone while growing up. I didn't watch movies and I didn't play video games.

I was outside surrounded by all kinds of people and the most authentic and real physical reality you can get. In the city, in villages, in Nature.

...

After my dad left his body, my sister kinda took his role. She was old enough to take care of me and she was providing me the physical touch, intimacy, and connection I needed.

When I was 7, she moved out to study in the university in the city that was more than 24 hours by train. I was now seeing her (at the best) twice a year.

I could sometimes talk to her over the phone or write her letters, but I was deeply upset and sad. It was not enough for me. I felt disconnected and I felt lonely.

This is why I have developed a very rich social life and I was literally doing every single ‘outside the school’ activity possible (and even the impossible ones). I tried everything and everywhere. I was literally home or with my family only to eat and to sleep since I was 7 years old.

My curiosity, open-mindedness and motivation had no limits. I had social circles through the entire city and even the entire province in the most random social spheres and contexts.

(Honestly, thank you mom.

Thank you for giving me the freedom, the space and the courage to discover life and the depth of myself since... pretty much always.

You were not the one to teach me how to truly love another person, but you are definitely the one who allowed me to fall in love with the entire world instead.

You are the one who made me see that I belong to something bigger. I belong to the Nature. I belong to this planet. I belong to the entire humanity. I belong in my body.

And for this precious gift, I will always be grateful to you and your sometimes a bit intense 'teachings'.)

...

When I was 14, I moved to Montreal.

My entire reality was turned upside-down.

I was cut off from my mother, from my family, from my friends, from my first love, from my community, from my forest and from my land. I have lost everything. Every possible connection and relationship were gone.

I found myself in the city and culture I knew nothing about. I was completely unaware of the social system I was in, and I didn't understand any spoken languages in this country.

From 14 to 16, I was not allowed to have any authentic human connection or any social life. I was not allowed to have friends or to go out. I didn't have access to any of the activities for kids my age ...or even to a school itself at first.

I was not even allowed to communicate with my relationships and people I loved from my hometown.

I was at a home prison in a very strange family in a middle of Montreal.

I was abused in many different ways for an extended period of time, and I was also witnessing people I love in even more horrible and unspeakable suffering.

I was providing unpaid work 7 days per week in a very toxic and emotionally confusing, we could even say deeply fucked environment. I was ashamed to even consider having friends or talk to someone in the outside world. I was punished if I tried to get in touch with my old friends in Ukraine.

...

The only way I have found to remain normal and not to kill myself during that period of my life was... the invisible energy world. But from a bit different angle of perspective this time.

One of the interesting facts about that crazy horror house is that my room was in a family library.

And I simply LOVE reading. Always did.

And, for some mysterious reason, the library was literary something else in that creepy house. It was filled with all kinds of esoteric and mind-blowing stuff from Russian scientists, mystics and just way too wild people and things from the entire world history of hidden studies and paranormal experiences.

I also for the first time started to do yoga and some interesting types of meditation.

Since I was not really allowed to get out of the house, my practice was mainly self-though, private, hidden and mostly at night time.

And once again, even if I was learning some crazy stuff and even skills in the invisible realms, I was deeply sad, desperate and lonely in the actual physical reality. Even if it has kinda of made me go through the hell and heaven many times and back, I was still resenting it all and remaining deeply confused between all the distortions in perceptions in this fucked up reality.

The complete luck of the actual human connection made me suffer deeply and even the entirety of the existence in all the multidimensional realms was not enough to satisfy my longing for a simple human interaction in the real world.

For a simple sight. A small sound. For a gentle touch. A hug.

...

At some point I got access to a computer and Internet. And this was very interesting and amusing to me.

I was able to 'almost' connect with random people on random public chats. Interestingly enough, people were authentic on those things at that time.

People were real and I was actually able to discuss deep shit and get a genuine sense of connection with another human being just with texting. For my deeply isolated and fucked life, this was way better than nothing.

But, I was never actually seeing them, hearing them or touching them. In many cases, I didn't even know their names and I didn't really care. It was completely random, ephemeral, and virtual.

And here too. I got 'connections' in the invisible; now we will call it Virtual World. Even if I did know that back then I was actually talking to real people that I could meet in real life if I wanted to, the actual gap between what my body and what my consciousness was experiencing was too weird and confusing to process.

The disconnect between my body experience and my mind while having human connections in the virtual world was too complex to digest for my nervous system of a severely traumatized young adult.

And way too painful with my now long lived history of unprocessed attachment issues in and with the invisible worlds.

....

At 16, I found myself on the street. With almost nothing on me, with almost no connections with the exterior world in the country I didn't really know or understood yet.

I had no idea where I would be sleeping and what I would be eating in the next weeks, but I was free, and I was safe.

I was in the middle of the street, but I felt home for a first time in this city. Being in the wild, with nothing and nowhere to go, was safer and more empowering to me that nothing else at that point of my life.

I had no phone. I had no computer. I had barely anything. But I felt like that 7-year-old again. The entire world was in front of my eyes. Everything was a possibility. My feet and my soul were free to go wherever they fucking wanted. I had no resources, but I had my sovereignty and my inner power back. This was more than enough to find my way around.

...

Pretty much since then, I was not really in the scarcity of human connection. To be honest, I often felt like it was never deep enough and too superficial, but I was able to have a normal human social life anyways. And it was satisfying enough for me.

I had a very interesting, crowded, diverse, truly 'physical' and very in the ‘visible reality’ life. I had a lot of fun and I was not really concerned about any energetic distortions at that point.

Because honestly, I just didn't give a fuck about the invisible world or even subtle energy anymore.

Why would I?

I have the entire world to experience, and I live in the most diverse and awesome city of the world. There are so many different characters and personalities just among my immediate neighbors.

I can almost 'travel' to many places simply by going out of the house and talk to a stranger.

Why a fuck would I care about the things my body cannot experience fully with all my senses?

...

So, the invisible trauma was pretty much in a dormant state for most of my twenties and I had an appropriate visible/virtual balance in my life.

Until 3 years ago.

Until the day, I was forced to stay, to work, to live, to love and to experience the world... only from my house with the help of my computer only.

Once again, I was in a home prison allowed only to talk to people in some invisible virtual world. And this time, we are all experiencing this.

Everyone is in a home prison, and we are all cut from our most basic human need... physical and social connection.

When this started, I was managing a very important project to me. It was my baby for more than 5 years. I was fortunate enough to have an amazing team around me to cocreate a pan-Canadian dream industry of clean and sustainable energy for air travel.

I was engaged in one of the most innovative and passionate industries of the world. I was at the front seats of the emergence of something truly beautiful and powerful.

I was co-building an international virtual community and organizing cocreation workshops in different corners of Canada with real people (in person) who truly wanted and committed themselves to create a meaningful change in this world with all their hearts and minds.

In a few weeks after the home prison started, everything went on a very rocky and turbulent path.

The sustainability, open-innovation and transparent collaboration was not very 'safe' anymore and also, was not a priority either.

And we had no real chance to talk about it, to feel it, to process it and to integrate it together.

Even if I was very aware of my personal Invisible trauma coming to the surface with nuclear intensity, witnessing this on the entire global system was very disturbing to me and to my 'professional' self.

…

We all went into the survival mode. We all got scared of something invisible. We all got weird and overprotective of everything. We all lost to some degree our connections to people we love. To people we simply needed to be physically close to us for our mental, emotional and even physical health.

But somehow, it all became very confusing very fast.

What makes you the healthiest and regulated (proximity and intimacy with other people) was now considered the most dangerous thing worldwide!!!

And for a very long time.

The implications of this on the mental and emotional health of the entire world are severely under-discussed right now.

The impact of this on the collective 'connection' and intimacy trauma might take us decades to heal and to process. And I am not even talking about the fucked-up distortions it has created in our collective consciousness between the concept of individuality and collectivity in general.

If we ignore this collectively, we and future generations will continue suffering from this for a very long time. We will not have enough of mental health resources to deal with this in a couple of years. We don't have the luxury of that time anymore.

In a couple of years, it will probably be way too late and there is no reason to perpetuate this kind of suffering today.

We need to seriously acknowledge this and take the responsibility for all the broken connections. We need to be courageous and vulnerable enough to heal our collective nervous system from this. Together.

We are not back to normal. This was not normal before, during and even less now.

This needs to be processed and integrated spiritually, mentally, emotionally and even physically.

And this needs to be done both locally and globally. Individually and collectivity.

...

Back to the invisible trauma.

So, no surprises on very predictable patterns of life... when I was once again in the home prison and cut off from my visible physical reality, but now in my thirties.

Guess what happened?

My wonderer soul, my curiosity and my exploration went back to the invisible and energetic realms of the reality.

My 'spiritual' development took a new very 'electric', weird, mystic and sometimes too 'astral' road of evolution.

I knew exactly how to deal with loneliness and lost connections in the invisible realms.

I was remembering my teenager experience in the library of the scary prison house very well.

I now wanted to go back to those teachings and experiences. My new curiously and despair have brought me there. Again.

So, I reconnected more deeply with that ‘unorthodox’ and wild part of me during those times. I created for myself an entire Mystic University just for my own thirstiness for knowledge and experience and my unique very diverse needs...

I was very amused and had a lot of satisfaction reconnecting with those forgotten parts of myself.

But at the same time, my body was also slowly remembering the deep attachment trauma and isolation from where this 'interesting' passion was coming from.

Even if I had a lot of fun to reconnect with my inner child and her amazing gifts and powers in the invisible worlds, I was more and more suffering from very confusing and painful emotions from my past related to that space and experiences on the enormous fractal of our multidimensional reality.

My invisible trauma became my suffering AND my healing at the same time. It was weird.

But it was also impossible for me to deal with this trauma only in the invisible and virtual world. I needed a human connection to heal the wound of complete deprivation of it.

But I was living in the upside-down world now. There was no human connection possible in the physical reality. We were all in the home prison.

It felt weird to me to talk to my therapist on Skype about how depressed I was about connecting to people only over a screen.

It was painful to me not being able to hug and see people I love.

I felt lonely. I also felt bad and ashamed for feeling lonely. I felt confused and in deep multidimensional pain. I had no idea who to talk to about it. I felt like we were all sharing this pain, but we were not allowed to talk about it openly and transparently.

We needed to be rational, we needed to be safe, we needed to act, to respect and to protect each other.

We needed to listen to the authorities and obey to whatever 'they' have decided to experiment with now as a worldwide strategy of emotional deprivation.

We needed to be strong and resilient... and we needed to be silent and isolated.

We were scared and confused.

...

Somehow, I found the relief to my loneliness and despair in some very interesting 'spiritual' and mystic communities around me.

Virtually with some. In person with others. Sometimes in the invisible world, sometimes in the visible one. Sometimes a bit of both. Sometimes a mix of all of that.

Damn what a fucking ride it was. Looking back, it's fucking crazy and wild.

I've 'travelled' a lot, sometimes without even getting out of my house and by simply sitting on my meditation cousin. Something I went to other places that made me travel even further inside of me and outside the entire fucking universe.

This has brought me far. And deep. And everywhere in between.

But. It has never helped me to truly heal the attachment trauma and the invisible trauma that the deepest part of my being was still experiencing on a daily basis.

Even my soul, spirit and God connection was not enough to dissolve the pain I was feeling.

I simply fucking needed to talk to and to touch another human being in an actual physical body. I just needed a hug. That's it. Just the fucking Real world I can experience fully and coherently with my entire system.

Once again, I felt connected to the invisible world, I felt loved and supported there. I knew I was not alone. But somehow, it again started to create a weird distortion in my system.

Now I have people around me who pray for me, who send me 'positive' vibes in the field, who wants to travel to astral planes with me, who apparently talk to me by telepathy and who are seemingly always 'connected' to me in the invisible world.

But I am sitting by myself in my apartment, and I have no idea who I can invite for a dinner to simply share a meal together and genuinely talk to someone about nothing and everything in the same time.

I am full of Me and even of divine Love, Light and higher consciousness. I am actually deeply feeling connected to literally everything.

I am not even sure there is anywhere else to go after this point or even explore further. At this point, there is no point to go deeper. There is no deeper anymore.

My Spirit is full, complete and whole.

But, somehow my Body was slowly dying anyways from loneliness and from luck of real authentic human physical intimacy and connection.

And I was once again becoming bitter and resentful of the invisible world and my connections with it. I now had access to the knowledge and power I could have never imagined was possible, but I felt like all of that was fucking useless.

I felt like I was still not able to build the coherence of my interconnected web of relationships in the invisible world, here on Earth, in my physical reality and in my body.

Somehow the distortion was even more fucked-up at some point.

The more I was connecting to my deeper self and to my 'higher' purpose, the more I was actually losing people I loved around me.

The more I was healing my attachment trauma, the more people didn't want to be in a relationship with me anymore.

My best friends and the closest relationships to my heart have left my physical reality without any explanation. I felt betrayed, rejected and abandoned.

I had the 'divine' connection, and I felt my authentic self like never before in my actual physical body, but I was also losing literally everything else around me.

My actual physical reality became filled with a lot of violence, confusion and pain coming out of fucking nowhere from the most intimate relations and in the most vulnerable and fragile spaces for me.

I walked this path with a lot of loneliness, confusion, grief, despair, anger and sadness.

I am integrating this path with a lot of time, patience and Self-Love.

I now learn the balance and the coherence between the visible and the invisible.

I now Know that my physical Body is my favourite place to be. This is where my spirit wants to be and where I completely and unconditionally belong. At least for now.

The Nature and the Mystery of own body fascinates me deeply and the only purpose I have now is to experience the totality of my Being in my physical form. The only goal I have is to ground the wholeness of myself in my visible reality that I can experience and share fully.

I prefer the deeply uncomfortable, complex and emotionally confusing Reality of Here and Now with other perfectly imperfect human beings, that the forever Loving Light and Kingdom of God in the Invisible realms where I feel perfectly lonely and disconnected from the actual Life, Nature and Humanity.