Polyamorous Monogamist

I am a polyamorous monogamist.

The concept of monogamy/polyamory somehow became very present in my reality. Sometimes from far, in some deep philosophical conversations about life and love in general. Sometimes very close to me and in my personal lived experiences. Sometimes somewhere in between.

Is it because I live is the coolest and the most ‘colourful’ city? Is it because I enjoy too much spending time in alternative and 'woke' communities? Is it because I love Yoga?

Is it because it's a way for me to question my own conditioning about love, sex, patriarchy, feminism, cultures and wounded social systems? Is it because it seems like a new 'spiritual' revolution these days and the miracle remedy to the attachment trauma?

Is it because I am too curious and too open-minded about everything? Is it because people I love seem to all wonder and question their sexual preferences and all the related and unrelated definitions lately?

Probably the mix of all of that have created the perfect conditions for me to actually take some time and to truly wonder what it exactly means to me and what colour I am in the extended rainbow flag.

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All of the colours make sense to me (to some degree), and I can definitely see why all of them exist today. The diversity of collective experiences we are creating with those concepts is truly amazing to me and I am sure that each one of them is a needed piece of the puzzle for building a coherent reality together.

I love the fact that in some parts of the world we have a safe enough environment for people to play on those boundaries freely, consensually and with a lot of creativity. It makes sense to me to explore the conditioning of our sexuality on all the scales and with all the forms. I truly believe the sexual freedom is a must in every healthy and mature society.

And I have a lot of gratitude for people who are courageous enough to experiment and to stretch our shared belief system on those deeply conditioned topics in our collective unconsciousness.

But I also notice that the line between 'experimentation for evolutionary purposes' and 'this is my favourite spiritual bypass and denial mechanism of my deep attachment issues' is very thin.

And this seems to be true for all the colours and all the shades.

When does my personal sexual preferences become a tool for growth to me personally (and to my community) and when it is actually what is on the way to fulfilling my true nature and create a coherent and meaningful relations with people I love?

How do we know this potential ‘tipping point’ between those two things?

And just to add to the complexity, this ‘tipping point’ is never in the same place and at the same time for everyone. We can't base this on the experiences of other people or on the limiting beliefs of our society.

What makes us evolve might be very self-destroying and harmful for others. And obviously, all that exists changes with time and with contexts around us. Everything evolves, moves, and transforms. The truth is never actually something stable on any of those things.

We all have our own issues/gifts and how exactly we deal with them is a very personal and unique path to each one of us. There is no fucking guidebook or YouTube tutorial made specifically for you. There is no map. There are no drugs or medicine that can show you a known and secure path to salvation and self-realization of You.

You are here to experience your own path, not yet walked by anyone else. Your unique discoveries and realizations are way more important than whatever social norms and collective limiting beliefs are about today.

You cannot be like anything and anyone else here.

Simply by existing, you are unique, and you walk your very personal mysterious and unknown path in your own way. So, whatever you do and whatever you believe in right now is perfectly fine and even welcome. Thank you for being you, independently of the colours you are on and whom you decide to have sex with.

All of the experiences matter and each one of them have value and importance for something or someone.

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The reason why I was monogamist in my early twenties was mostly because of cultural and social conditioning.

The reason why I am monogamist now is mainly because I am not yet ‘spiritually’, mentally, energetically, and emotionally evolved enough to deal with this kind of systemic complexity in a conscious, coherent and self-expanding way for me.

The intimacy and sex bring me go to such a depth of my own being, that it has the potential to shine the light on the most rigid structures of my inner world and literally turn upside down my belief system and the way I perceive reality in a small instant of the shared ‘little death’ with someone.

In my way of perceiving the reality, literally every orgasm is a beautiful mix of ‘spiritual’ and body awakening at the same time.

I have learned to be very selective with whom I decide to play such a powerful and potentially very mind-blowing game. I have learned to better listen to my body and how much it feels safe and trusting to all of me to let myself ‘die’ a little bit with someone during sex.

The sex is the most powerful energy exchange (as well as a generator of new energy and information) for everyone evolved directly and even for those interconnected indirectly to people having the actual sex!

The sex is a supersonic rocket toward your highest up or your deepest down. It has the potential to be either the most ‘healing’ or the most traumatizing experience for you or for the person/people/other beings you experience this with.

This kind of power should be held with care, awareness, and full embodied Presence in the Now!

Many of those old mental and emotional structures exploding during sex and the emergence of new realizations requires a lot of trust, vulnerability, tenderness, compassion, time and presence to lend in our physical body, be to be truly witnessed, accepted and welcomed in a safe way for our individual and for our shared consciousness.

I have a personal preference for shared kinds of integration processes of such deeply transforming tools and technologies. I think people should always take time to talk and to integrate their sexual experiences together in an authentic and transparent way.

I also believe that better (or the worst) the sex is, the after-sex process is even more important and potentially requires a very long time with a lot of self-awareness and mastery to appropriately integrate it in our system.

For me, to gain some clarity and understanding on how exactly it works and skillfully use those experiences to expend my own consciousness (and not to simply numb my pain), I cannot be ‘testing’ and ‘analyzing’ more than one ‘subject’ at the same time.

There are already too much data and energy processing happening at the same time, I don’t have an operational system in place, cognitive capacities, and even emotional processing abilities to be able to appropriately integrate sexual experiences with multiple partners at the same time.

I have a lot of respect and fascination for those who can do this. Even if I am not sure I have met many of them personally, I do believe they exist.

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For me, the pleasure in sex is an emerging property and quality, not a goal.

The goal is to expand my consciousness and make sure I integrate the new insights in my overall system in a coherent way and that I ground them appropriately in my body.

The pleasure is the consequence of how efficiently I can master this process in my own unique system and how skillfully I can play and interact with a system of someone else in a safe and expending way for both of us.

The more I master this, more sexual pleasure I get and more of it I can give.

To learn those skills to the depth I personally want and chose to experience, a lot of time, energy and patience is actually required.

So, I guess I simply don’t know how to fit it all in my agenda (and in my energetic system). I don’t have the time and resources management tools efficient enough to have my own life, to live my dreams and to intimately engage myself with more than one partner. I have not figured out the mathematics of this yet.

And to be honest, I am not even trying to figure them out anytime soon.

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The reason why I think of myself as a polyamorous monogamist is because I believe I do have 'polyamorous' relationships and dynamics happening in the relationship even if it is with only one person at a time.

I believe each one of us has at least 2 parts to start with, the body and something else that seems to transcend the body. Some call this the soul.

Differently put, when I engage myself in any kind of relationships, I try to meet and to sense both.

The body and the soul of the Being I see and feel in front of me.

It also needs to feel good and safe to my own body and to my own sense of the ‘soul’ as well.

So, even if we are only 2, we are already dealing with at least 4 different types of consciousness cocreating some stuff together before, while having sex, and even after.

Both consciously and unconsciously. Both physically and energetically.

To make it coherent and fun for all of them is already quite a challenge sometimes. At least for me personally.

Now, assuming that most of us are still fragmented as fuck and way more different parts of ourselves can show up when we are having sex: our inner children, our inner parents, our inner ex or denied fantasies, our whatever and whoever else. From some perspective, this would mean that we are actually having an entire orgy happening all the time even if we are only 2 of us trying to have some fun together.

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I want to be able to get to know those different parts in me and in the other person in the most intimate and deep way possible. I want to learn to truly love them, see them, feel them, and accept them in myself and in the other.

I want my presence, my attention and my energy to be fully there and dedicated to the process of what is unfolding and what is being cocreated in a such a majestic, powerful, and even magical way.

I don’t know yet how to navigate in the multidimensional realms of systemic processes evolving that kind of transformative power and creative potential in a truly polyamorous way.

In this area of my life and at the stage of my personal evolution process right now, I am not a ‘master’ enough to be able to offer all of this to myself and to the person I chose to have sex with, differently that in the monogamous way.