Creation Wound

I always thought my core wound was abandonment issues, but it's not. What a revelation.

This morning, I was listening to Ukrainian philosopher Ihor Kozlovskyi, and it hit me right on the point. The lightbulb with very high voltage opened in my consciousness about one of the most existential questions inside of being.

He was talking about the concept of creation/creativity, but in Ukrainian and Russian. I needed to stop the video, to breathe with it, and to face my deeper truth of what I was now realizing.

Yes, I was traumatized by abandonment in my experience many times and in many forms. Not only abandonment, but rejection, humiliation, and abuse were also big themes in my experience. However, I am so much more and mainly traumatized by something that transcends all those concepts.

I was wounded in the place of my soul that goes beyond aloneness, social isolation, or emotional deprivation. Abandonment is a surface issue. It’s the result; it's not the deep cause. This is why my healing work of abandonment never really worked because I was not dealing with the real problem, only with the symptoms of something else deeper and way more profound.

You cannot be abandoned when you already know you are whole and unconditionally interconnected with everything and everywhere. This wound makes no sense anymore there. Even if you still experience profound pain and grief around abandonment or any other surface wound, you don’t create suffering around it anymore because you know how to deal with it. You deeply know it’s part of life and it will probably never change. Your soul is already immune to that.

…

Before I continue, I need to come clean about one of my passions. I love numbers. This is not a surprise to anyone who knows me, but I also love letters. Even if I am dyslexic and it’s actually quite a challenge for me to write and even to talk sometimes, I still adore this means of communication.

The symbols of letters and sounds are a unique and truly fascinating language. They are very different from numbers. Numbers are more commonly accepted and understood, more rational and square-ish. Letters are way more poetic and diverse. The tonalities of the music letters can play go way further than the numbers. At least for a society that is ignorant and blind to the real magic behind symbols and numbers.

Numbers are like listening to music without sounds but seeing the bigger patterns, the melody, the mechanics of the rhythms and bits. But letters are like the actual notes, colors, harmonics, and tonalities of that music. You may not see the bigger patterns like you do with numbers, but you can have so much pleasure just playing with music itself if you understand the language of the word and see the real magic behind it.

Many languages have very different symbols and even sounds to be able to talk and write. Each one of those differences can teach us a lot about the culture and the current belief system of that culture. It’s like a hidden code to understand the tissue of the perceived reality of people using this specific encryption as a communication tool between them.

Honestly, it’s deeply fascinating to play with meanings once we hear the deeper understanding behind the energy of letters, of words, sentences, and paragraphs.

…

Before I was 14, I learned Ukrainian and Russian. They have a very similar alphabet, but with a few very important and key differences that eventually create a substantial base to make those two codes two completely different languages to their core. Because of history, most Ukrainians talk and understand Russian. Very few Russians can totally follow a conversation done purely in Ukrainian.

When we know and master a language, we more deeply understand the collective conditioning and the collective wound of that particular tribe. Because language reveals the qualities and beliefs around the social tissue and its history. When we talk a language, we feel more about the people we connect to. When we can name and express what we feel and share it with our environment, we are more connected to each other. And the way we connect to each other is largely defined by the language and sounds we use.

You can see this difference when traveling to a foreign country. When you emotionally and energetically connect to someone, but you feel frustrated because you don’t have the verbal language and system to communicate more precisely and more colorfully your experience. When we talk the same language, we are more intimate, we know more about the core of each other, and we have a shared reference to jam our unique instruments together with a lot of fun.

This is also why when we colonize other tribes, one of the first tools we use is to eradicate native languages and to impose new codes and symbols on a population. Any form of regulation or control around a language is an attempt to control the entire system of belief of that population. And we still largely use this strategy even now, even in developed countries and in ‘woke’ communities.

It is the most powerful tool to make people confused about their identity, with their unique relationship with the world and their shared inner experience. When we colonize a country and impose a new language, we literally destroy civilization and fragment our collective consciousness to a very painful depth. A population that is confused about their deep inner structure because of the language they use is powerless and deeply harmful. When they lose access to their language and culture, they lose access to their inner power too. They are confused about who they are and where they belong. Therefore, they can be more easily manipulated, scared, and abused.

This is what happened in the Americas, in Australia, in Africa, finally pretty much everywhere to a certain degree. Ignoring the power of words and languages is like not understanding that you can cook, create tools, and heat your room with fire. You don’t understand the real power of fire if you don’t know what is possible to manifest with it. The same thing is with the language. You can also burn things with language if you don’t know how to handle it. And sometimes, words hurt even more than fire.

…

This is also why language-related questions are crucial in reconciliation with indigenous communities. You cannot make peace with them only in English or in French. To understand the deeper wound and collective trauma natives are still experiencing today, you need to understand what was done to their culture, to their collective soul.

They can only explain to you the depth of that wound in their own language. This is how deep it goes. They cannot communicate to you concepts that do not exist in English or French. You simply cannot understand it on a mental level. To understand what they have lost, you need to listen to their story from their perspective, from their experience, in their words and linguistic concepts.

When we talk about sustainability with native tribes, it quickly becomes a very weird experience. The thing is that for them, there is no separation between the forest and humans. When they talk about forests, they include themselves as a part of that concept. It’s very similar to the concept of community. This is why sustainability makes no sense to them because originally, the only way they were living was highly sustainable, efficient, smart, and resilient. They understand the language of Nature and Earth way better than all the environmental scientists put together, even with the help of AI.

So, when we talk to them about environmental, social, and economic aspects as something distinguished and separate from each other, they simply cannot comprehend what the hell we are talking about, and for them, our strategies to tackle climate change make literally zero sense. And for a very good reason.

So maybe, just maybe, one of the strategies to tackle climate change would not be to invest in a master class of how to make indigenous communities environmentally ‘woke’ and socially adopted to the modern world, but to learn from them how to do it properly.

In their language, they have an embedded code that translates the required consciousness in order to engage in a true and meaningful dialogue with Nature. Our deeply messed-up collective ego and unlimited arrogance prevent us from seeing a very simple and humbling truth.

They might know even better than us how to solve our collective environmental, social, and even economic issues.

There is another moment that comes to mind that I read in one of Margaret Wheatley's books. She gave an example of how one of the native communities addressed a criminality-related issue. This example has flipped my mind around, and I was deeply perplexed, inspired, and humbled by it.

There was a murder in a community. A man killed another man. This crisis was dealt with through a very long, community-wide process where they decided together what would be the most healing way to deal with that for everyone holistically.

The thing to understand is that for them, a crime such as murder is not a personal problem for one specific person. It’s a failure of the entire community. There is something unconscious in the social tissue that has created such an unpleasant and painful situation for everyone.

They don’t see it as an isolated personal problem and responsibility; they see it as a holistic and systemic issue of the entire community, an opportunity for growth for everyone. It’s Life that has chosen the murderer to teach the entire community an important lesson and make them see the dark spot in their collective unconsciousness. The murderer is just a vehicle that made us finally see it, acknowledge it, and make it conscious for everyone.

It went that far because the issue was that deep, and because the community was too stubborn to not see the truth before it started talking more loudly and more violently. When we engage in any form of war, it's mainly because we failed to communicate our authentic truth to the world in any other way, or because others are too deaf and ignorant to truly hear their own inner truth.

Long story short, I am definitely telling this case study way worse than Margaret, so I invite you to read her directly if it is something that interests you.

But what was mind-blowing to me is the solution they all willingly decided to apply to heal this. The final resolution was that the parents of the man who was killed were to adopt their son’s killer to better integrate this collective wound. By learning how to love him, they would remember the memory of their son, give unconditional love to him to help him heal, and contribute largely to the wider community regeneration of this crime.

This is a very different approach from our 'civilized' society legal and criminal affairs. We might not fully understand or accept the power and wisdom of that approach to systemic community regeneration. We might say, "What the heck, this makes no sense. It’s just weird and crazy."

And no one asks anyone to understand or accept it as a personal truth. No one cares about how you feel about their ways of being and living their life. But you also cannot impose your system, your prison, and your law on their way of dealing with Life, the regeneration of the Earth, and their community.

And this stands true for all sustainability, climate change, environmental, and Nature-related topics. If you want reconciliation, you need to learn and fall in love with their culture, not only try to make them love or understand yours. Because honestly, they do know what real interconnection means better than our high-tech virtual big data developed and educated society. And finally, if we are really honest with ourselves, our modern culture seems to be very self-destructive, depressive, and systemically sick. Not alive, regenerative, and based on simple acts of kindness like theirs seems to be.

What exactly are we trying to teach them and inspire them with?

….

The point is, a language is a code, a very precious and powerful one. We could even say it's very unique. We cannot express the same energy with the same words in two different languages. This is why full immersion works way better than studying a new language with a dictionary. Because the point is not to learn the translation of words in the language you already understand. The point is to understand the cultural concepts, roots, and dynamics around the words in that specific culture and language you are trying to learn.

This is why when you hear French from France and French from Quebec, you might sometimes think they are two completely different languages. And to some extent, they are completely different. They tell a different story now. They make us feel differently. The concepts behind the words are not the same anymore. Because the culture for those civilizations is not the same anymore and hasn't been for a long time now.

Another example that can modify our human experience and perceptions is the richness of vocabulary. For example, some languages have only one term to talk about Love. Other languages have more than 20 completely different words to talk about it. In Ukrainian, you would not use the same word to talk about the love you feel for your mother, friend, or cat, as when you talk about a type of love you feel for a romantic partner. This distinction alone changes the culture in a way and depth that we cannot comprehend.

The mechanics of a language structure the collective consciousness. This reminds me of a funny moment when I was talking about the magic of words with my neighbor. He naturally and innocently said, "You know, there are at least 20 frequencies of the word 'fuck' in the ways we use it in the English language. It could be understood and received with a huge diversity of meanings and emotions. One word to describe a huge multitude of states and qualities. Why do we restrict our vocabulary so much?"

This is interesting; sex is finally another word that has a very poor vocabulary in the English language. We miss key concepts in the language itself to properly master this phenomenon. Imagine if we used a language that has a different word to distinguish the 20 something frequencies of the word 'fuck.' Wouldn’t it be easier to talk about creation, sex, pleasure, and even Life? About the deeply erotic nature of our shared reality in general.

Everything is Love. This is true. Maybe this is why we need to have a rich and more detailed vocabulary to talk about it. But well. We do with what we have. But everything is also about sex, not only love.

… Love without sex doesn’t create anything. It just is. It exists. It transcends and is everything that is. But it does not create anything new.

When I talk about sex, I am not really referring to sexual intercourse between two (or more) beings as we commonly see in porn or experience with very ignorant partners. I am talking about the creation process, the source code of the entire existence, the energetic dynamics that create Life and Reality.

This is also sex.

When I talk about sex, I mean the process of co-creation present in our daily lives with many people and in many contexts. From an energetic perspective, I believe we are having ‘sex’ with many beings, quite possibly all the time. Every time we create something, we are ‘making love’ to something or someone, even if we are not conscious of it. It could be a project, an idea, a poem, a relationship, a baby, or pretty much anything. Or everything.

Like love, sex as a multidimensional concept is so profound in our human experience, yet we have no words to talk about it appropriately. We lack words to discuss its deeply complex and mysterious nature. Additionally, in some cultures, we are deeply ashamed and strangely conditioned about this topic in general.

This is how we end up with a ‘Fuck’ that can have at least 20 different frequencies, but except for the language of the ‘frequency,’ we have no idea how to talk about it with each other. And also, using the word ‘fuck’ is considered bad, impolite, and inappropriate.

…

Ok, this was a very long introduction that is not that relevant to the actual thing I want to contemplate today. I guess those are my own protection mechanisms to avoid addressing the real stuff that wants to be seen and felt. Starting to talk about how magnificent, magical, and fascinating this reality is might very well be a trauma response as well.

The main thing I wanted to say with all that blabla is:

Language is important. It’s a secret code to understand your own and our collective consciousness, our shared reality, and the perceived issues in our global society. It is one of the most powerful tools to navigate the complexity of this world. It is a magical way to heal and regenerate us and our communities.

But also, words, symbols, and languages can do very nasty and harmful things to the entire civilizations of humans. Power is always a double-sided sword. This is not an exception. This is why contemplating the nuances of the languages we talk, hear, or are simply naturally interested in is quite important. Those are the moments that help us integrate and digest a wider wisdom. When used with a proper understanding of its power, languages can help us heal not only individually but also collectively.

From 16 to 30, I was almost not using my native languages. Not even with my family. When the war in my country started, I had a very intense inner pull to reconnect to my roots and to the language I spoke when I was a kid. This is why I traveled to Ukraine during the war, even if it was dangerous, traumatizing, and emotionally challenging. This is why I started to listen to Ukrainian music and do volunteering with Ukrainian kids. I wanted to eat more Ukrainian homemade food.

It was weird, but hearing the sounds of my language was somehow healing to me. Talking about my sensed reality in a language that is coherent with that reality back then was important to me.

This is also why I started to practice Yoga with a Ukrainian community since then. And even if I have a really hard time having philosophical and personal conversations in my now very broken and poor Ukrainian, I still see incredible value in doing my personal process with the use of codes that have programmed some parts of my consciousness in my childhood.

When I was born and until 14, I received a very specific code to understand my reality. This is my deep programming. The most early and forming memories for me and the beginning of my socialization process were done under this code.

After, I learned a new code. Even two new codes, English and French. And I created new programs that were required to function and interact with a wider tribe in a new country I immigrated to.

The problem arrived when both of my programming was activated at the same time. When Life was pointing out my incoherencies in the earlier Ukrainian code source with the ongoing war, but I was trying to fix it with other completely different languages and understanding.

I also felt deeply frustrated to talk about war in Ukraine in English or in French because it would not make sense in my head to talk about the issues there with the code of the language that has no connection to the actual culture and experienced reality there.

You cannot explain to someone in English how a Ukrainian soldier feels or a mother who has lost a son to his brother in a meaningless war. It is simply impossible to translate. What that feels like transcends the centuries of shared and deeply interconnected history in a part of the world where English-speaking people can have only a very little idea about. That can simply not be grasped by someone who has no connection to this culture, to its roots, and to its language.

The ‘translating’ errors that happen in those moments are very deep and sometimes even existential or potentially dangerous. Those are two completely different realities. Interconnected, yes, but very different in their deep source programming. And it’s important to understand that. Because to communicate truly, we need to see those differences.

How a Ukrainian feels about the war and how the North American citizen feels or thinks Ukrainians feel or should feel about it are also two very different things. Completely different realities. And this is true for other countries engaged in a war right now.

We need to be very careful when we talk about deep existential concepts in foreign languages. The game of perceptions and projections happening at this level is truly astonishing and can create very serious distortions in our collective field of consciousness.

So, this is why I do Yoga with a Ukrainian teacher and community today. This is why I listen to Ukrainian philosophers and learn a lot about my own history. Because it helps me to integrate more deeply various consciousness tools that I already know in English and French to the parts of me that were programmed under a different code source and language before I moved to Canada.

If I want to understand the earlier wound and work on the ancestral programming of my being, I need to use the language that those parts of myself understand more intuitively. I need to create new connections to establish a communication channel between different fragments of myself. This makes the overall functioning of my personal system way more efficient, resilient, and whole.

…

So, once again, I started to dance around the topic and avoid the actual contemplation. Even if it is all highly interesting and relevant, it’s a very huge sidewalk from the actual question and original inspiration for writing all of this now.

Somehow, for me, this big introduction was important to what I am trying to integrate today.

Because in Ukrainian, words like creation, creativity, art, and creator are very interestingly presented and connected to the rest of the culture and even the social field. The terminologies, origins, and variations of the creation concept are very interesting to contemplate from a multilinguistic angle from perspective.

So, this is how I had my aha moment this morning.

I am obsessed with the concept of creation since always, in all its forms and shapes, in all the symbols and languages.

But this philosopher made me reflect about it specifically in Ukrainian and in Russian. He was using concepts and meanings attached to a system of beliefs I grew up under. My inner child could understand better and make deeper connections. I had more memories from my childhood about creation and creativity in general just because I was contemplating those words in a different language. In my mother’s tongue.

It’s a truly super trippy experience for consciousness.

…

So, finally back to the creativity wound.

What exactly do I want to contemplate about it now?

I was under a false impression that my life revolved around the abandonment issue. Today, I understand that this is just a surface symptom, not the real thing, not the core of what hurts the most and makes me still suffer internally sometimes.

We all have unique access to the field of unlimited potential. It’s like your secret code to call God that no one else can use or even understand. It’s your own unique communication channel that belongs only to you. No one can steal or destroy this.

This is the alignment. When you say, "I am aligned with my inner truth," this means you feel the resonance and coherence between what you feel inside and what is happening outside, what you think, and what you do. There is a sense of inner fire that wants to move you. Something excites you. When you are excited, you naturally want to create.

When you create something that is aligned with your inner truth, you feel pleasure. When what you bring to the world does not resonate with your own voice inside, you suffer.

It’s a very simple formula.

When you have consensual sex, it has the potential to be very fun and pleasant. When it’s not consensual and you do it because you have no choice, it will end up making everyone involved suffer. It’s the same in projects, jobs, art, the system, etc.

When we do something that is not aligned with who we truly are and our desires, our own creations and accomplishments make us suffer instead of making us happy and satisfied.

Pleasure defines the level of your success, not the amount of ‘work’ you do. The work is done to fit into society. The more you fit in, the more you are compensated. The more you are compensated, the more you are scared of losing it. So, you cling to your safety and comfort. And you satisfy your needs for evolution and growth with useless shit you can order on Amazon or empty-of-meaning movies on Netflix. And the circle goes on.

You think you get pleasure in this circle, but you don’t. You respond to your existential needs in a very fucked, inefficient, and even harmful way. This is comfort and denial that always leads to more suffering. This has nothing to do with real pleasure.

Pleasure is something you receive as a result because you create something from your authentic self. You manifest something from the voice that no one can hear but you.

From your own inner fire and your heart.

The problem starts when your inner fire is witnessed by an unknown part of the social construct we share. This is where it all gets confused and messed up.

Because sometimes, a person can be in her most aligned form and purest sense of authentic truth, but others can perceive it as something else.

Something unique is dangerous. Because it's new. Everything new scares us. Every innovation, invention, and revolution was first considered crazy. This is why when someone is fully in their unique creative power, it scares the shit out of us. This person feels like God expressing himself, but at the same time, we hate to be around because we see the truth too much and too fast. We are frightened by the truth.

This is why we put Jesus on the cross, did fires with witches, and many other horrible things we still keep doing to each other about it. Because what those people were saying or doing was putting a fire on the commonly established system of belief of those who wanted to remain in power. Because it gets in contradiction with our usual sense of social tissue and our mechanisms of survival in this matrix, it also activates all kinds of hormones and reactions in our inner system.

This is why it is so difficult.

This is why real co-creation is so rare in this world. Because most of us compromised our inner alignment to make the ‘system’ survive. We have all corrupted our souls to an external authority. Every time we give our power to an external authority over our inner voice, we don’t really create, we work. We use a lot of energy, and we suffer. We get sick. And we lose the meaning of Life at some point if we continue that road of ‘working’.

When we listen to what is true and meaningful to us, we create something unique. We are energized by our own creations. And what we create truly serves those around us.

But it’s hard. Because we lost the value of uniqueness in this society. We separate, we judge, we don’t understand the differences between us. We think it would be simpler and more manageable if we are all the same. Equal. Comparable. With no individuality or inner purpose. If we are all like numbers and not letters, it would be simpler.

Would that really be?

Or would this be exactly how you kill the entire civilization?

If you listen to music with only numbers, the only language we use to make meaning of our reality, we lose access to our uniqueness even more. A society collapses with a lack of diversification. A society dies with a lack of creativity and authentic creative power that is a result of alignment of each unique individual with their authentic inner voice and potential.

If we build schools that teach kids how to listen to the collective voice of what is wrong, what is good or bad, what is creative, what is success or happiness based on our current reality and beliefs, we prepare future generations to suffer and to work as slaves, not to create and have pleasure as humans.

We feed them with the social conditioning of things we didn’t get. With our own failures and mistakes. We don’t teach them how to create a reality they want; they believe in and want to create with their peers for their kids.

What we value in schools today is how obedient you are to the existing system and how you can serve it for the rest of your life. We don’t teach kids how to manifest their authentic unique and creative potential.

We don’t listen to the future that wants to be created through them; we force them to create the same fucked future we have experienced ourselves. We teach them to work like we did, not to create the life they want for themselves.

This is how we end up with depression, burnout, addictions, suicides, and other unpleasant experiences when we are adults. Because by the time we are adults with our 20-something years of education, we actually forget who the fuck we are, why we are here, and how to be naturally happy, joyful, and creative.

Kids know how to live, not because they don’t have adult responsibilities yet. Kids are naturally joyful, energetic, and in perfect health when they have freedom to learn what they are most passionate about and create from their own authentic inner voice and unique unlimited creative power.

As a society, we need to encourage every child and also every adult to be themselves, not what our sick society expects us to be. We are not here to play a role that something or someone wants us to play; we are here to play the role we feel most moved by from the inside. We are the creators of our own roles.

We are supposed to do what gives us energy and motivation, not addictions and depression.

We are supposed to do what heals us, not what destroys us.

We must learn how to create and collaborate, not ‘work’ or compete.

But the paradox in this is that apparently creating is way more vulnerable, courageous, and challenging than simply working.

This is why we are individually and collectively stuck in the 9 to 5 world.

This is why we ‘work’ and keep complaining about it.

Instead of growing up (or re-becoming kids, depending on how you see it) and having a tremendous amount of pleasure and even meaningful impact in the world, we, for some reason, continue to prefer to remain wounded adolescents in the slavery of the rebellion we call ‘work’ and career.

We are so scared to not be a part of a broken society anymore that we break the connection to our own collective soul without even realizing it.

We create even more suffering for us and future generations by trying to ‘save the system’ instead of letting a new system emerge from our new level of shared awareness and consciousness. The one that is inspired by the future and our true Nature.

Not by our past and its fucked conditioning. Not by our corrupted belief system. Not from unhealed wounds from our history but from our unlimited potential in the now.

Not to simply survive and numb the rest.

But to create, transform, and truly thrive together.

Like true creators, not self-obsessed slaves.

…

Finally, with all of that, I still don’t feel like I have appropriately contemplated the core topic of the creativity trauma for me. But I now see how rich of a journey it is. And probably many more pages would be required to cover it all.

So, I will try to let it unfold in its own rhythm.

Step by step.

Like a natural opening of a divine flower that I constantly wonder about and not a simply meaningless object of my ego-centered contemplations.