Let's dive into a deeply uncomfortable yet quietly omnipresent emotion: jealousy.
It's curious how jealousy is one of the easiest emotions to feel, yet it's also the one we most often try to hide and deny. Everyone feels a deep sense of shame about feeling jealous, and no one likes it when others are jealous of them. Yet, despite this, we still experience jealousy toward one another, often without knowing how to address it as adults. Because of this, jealousy can become one of the most toxic and destructive forces in our relationships.
You may have noticed that everything seems to have polarities, including emotions. Each emotion has a counterpart that exists on the same emotional frequency but feels entirely different.
Consider Anger and Peace. Sadness and Joy. Love and Fear. It’s easy to see this duality in simple emotions, but it persists even in more complex ones. Emotions like jealousy, resentment, and pride also have their opposites; they’re just more unconscious and sometimes unknown to us.
Now.
I might become somewhat unpopular in the polyamory community because I believe the term ‘compersion’—or its associated meaning—is not the true opposite of jealousy. And, I think it’s very important to understand this distinction.
To achieve emotional coherence, you need to listen to yourself, analyze your inner experience and reality, and truly understand and master it. Using the concept of ‘compersion’ as a wishful remedy for attachment issues will not address the deep jealousy you or others may be feeling.
‘Compersion’ is a relatively recent term invented to describe deep, unconditional compassion and joy shared between people. When people use ‘compersion’ in a polyamory context, they’re often referring to a fully awakened or enlightened state. If you think the opposite of jealousy is straightforward enlightenment, you’re likely still far from understanding what true ‘compersion’ means.
To genuinely ‘heal’ or master your jealousy, try to understand what it’s truly telling you. Don’t focus on the feeling you wish you had, but rather listen deeply to what you actually feel with presence and awareness. Perhaps, in time, your own jealousy will guide you in transforming it into something else—how to experience its opposite with maturity and personal discernment.
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Let’s start with the ‘official’ definition and etymology of jealousy.
Jealousy is an emotional response that arises when a person perceives a threat to a valued relationship or possession. It typically involves feelings of insecurity, fear, and anxiety over the potential loss of something or someone important. Jealousy often occurs in romantic relationships but can also manifest in friendships or professional rivalries.
The term evolved to encompass intense emotions related to the fear of losing something or someone to another.
The word "jealousy" comes from the Old French word jalousie, which is derived from the Latin word zelosus, meaning "full of zeal" or "ardent." This Latin term originates from the Greek word zēlos (ζῆλος), meaning "zeal," "eagerness," or "jealousy."
When we say someone is full of ‘zeal’ or ‘eagerness,’ do we view them the same way as someone who is jealous? Probably not. But they apparently stem from the same place. In a way, it’s the same emotion, just framed differently in our minds.
A jealous person simply hasn’t yet learned how to be skillfully and properly zealous.
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"Zeal" is the quality of passionate enthusiasm or intense energy directed towards a cause or goal. It’s the strong desire to do something or for something to happen. It’s the excitement and impatience to start or experience something.
You likely want more ‘zealous’ friends or co-workers in your life because they are engaging, motivating, and make life exciting and enjoyable. But you probably don’t want ‘jealous’ people around because they are sad, desperate, and toxic. They make life exhausting, dramatic, and filled with unneeded suffering.
However, if you’re honest with yourself and take the time to analyse your relationships, you might see that the people with the greatest potential for ‘zeal’ are often the same ones who can be consumed by jealousy. It’s about intensity. They can be intensely excited and enthusiastic (zealous) or intensely anxious and insecure (jealous).
So, how do you discern the difference between the two in your own consciousness? How do you navigate this emotional complexity with presence and wisdom? How do you clearly see and feel the difference between enthusiasm and envy in yourself and in those you love? How do we ensure that we build zeal-based relationships rather than envy-based ones?
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Most people who feel some sort of envy are actually very enthusiastic about something but are also deeply insecure or scared at the same time. They feel the enthusiasm and eagerness in their body but don’t allow themselves to fully experience or embrace it. They shame the pleasure or the idea of being overly excited about something. The life force within them is pushing them towards their own desires and dreams, but their fear leads them to envy those who followed their own zeal.
If they don’t let themselves fully embrace their own zeal from time to time, they will become jealous and toxic to those around them.
Typically, children who are the most jealous often have the most controlling and ‘serious’ parents or authority figures. These are the ‘by the book’ children who are expected to behave responsibly and maturely, even at a young age. Controlling parents are often uncomfortable with children who are too enthusiastic and zealous about life because they fear for their safety and well-being. They want to protect them, as any parent would.
To avoid upsetting the controlling parent, the child might hide their enthusiasm about life, becoming something more subdued, sad, and docile but outwardly successful and mature. As adults, they may become deeply jealous because they’ve forgotten how to feel genuine enthusiasm and excitement or how to deal with it.
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Jealousy is most intense in romantic or intimate relationships because it’s closely tied to passion, repressed desires, and our pure excitement about life itself. This is also why it often triggers the deepest fears and insecurities in most of us.
Fear and Desire are profoundly and intimately interconnected, true in both personal and professional relationships.
If you don’t courageously and authentically follow your own desires, you’ll feel jealous of those who do. You might unconsciously judge, blame, or even hate them, but you might not understand why. They simply bother you.
What bothers you is the mirror they hold up. You’re not ‘jealous’ of them; you’re frustrated with yourself for not following your own dreams. They remind you that you can be enthusiastic about your life too, but you don’t know how. So, you become jealous. You shame yourself for being jealous, not realizing that it has nothing to do with your lack of love or compassion. It’s because you don’t know how to pursue your own dreams anymore.
You project your own ‘zeal’ onto them through envy. You give them more of your own power when you’re jealous. Your jealousy empowers them.
Yet, your own jealousy can also empower you and fuel your fire. You can use the energy of envy to understand your true desires more clearly. What do you genuinely want and desire? If you could overcome all your fears, what would you do with your life? Who would you spend it with?
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To truly ‘heal’ or transform jealousy into something uplifting, you need to pursue your own dreams.
If you want to help someone overcome extreme toxic jealousy, empower them to follow their heart no matter what. Encourage them to create a reality they truly desire and believe in. Help them have the faith and wisdom to be who they truly are and do whatever they want.
Teach them to overcome their fears and be authentic, not to fake not being jealous.
Don’t shame or judge them for being jealous (or scared); teach them how to become fully zealous (or fully alive) themselves.
Jealousy only becomes toxic when we don’t know how to handle it. Without understanding the reasons and purpose of these emotions in our relationships, we can’t listen to their authentic wisdom and transform them.
If you don’t understand why you feel jealous (or why you believe others are jealous of you), you’re still emotionally immature about this feeling. You don’t know how to use it to your advantage or grow from it, and you don’t yet know how to embrace being more ‘zealous’ for real.
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