Letter to my mother

My breath is Life. Breathe in the Pleasure. Breathe out the Creativity. That’s it.

…

My Dear Mam,

Every time I am trying to understand this matrix, the ‘system’ I live in, somehow, you always show up. In various ways and forms. In many faces. You just emerge and you are with me. Sometimes in my head. Sometimes in my heart. Sometimes even deeper. It’s almost like you give me all those gifts wrapped in so much pain and confusion.

Your wisdom is fucked. I am sorry, but it is.

I love your wisdom. I honor it. I bow my head to you. I know it’s love.

But, why?

Why did you make me forget what my unique breath is? Why did you shame me for creating and for having pleasure? Why did you make me believe that this world is defined by slavery and suffering?

Breathe in the suffering. Breathe out the slavery.

This is how I felt your breath when I was growing up.

Was it you? Was this the family? Culture? History? The matrix of the entire world. Who knows.

But this is how I felt you breathing when I was not even able to breathe my own air, only yours. With every inspiration you seemed to fil your lungs and your heart with sorrow. With despair. With Fear.

The air that came out of your mouth when you were talking was mainly about how ‘slaved’ we are to something or to someone in this world. How the socialization defines your chances of survival. How being what other wants you to be is more important than being yourself.

Because you might die if you are rejected from the tribe and the community. So, you need to fit in. You need to become equally fucked to not be abandoned, rejected and humiliated in the completely fucked world.

For you, being you was dangerous.

I get it now. And I also see why.

You didn’t have the resources to become you. Not personally. Not ancestrally and not collectively. No resources to remind you who you are. To make you remember what your unique and unconditional breath is.

You indeed were born, grew up and had me in a world where it is ‘dangerous’ to be us.

Your parents have lost everything for being who they are. You were born in a foreign forest, cut from your own roots, abandoned and rejected from the community and the land of your ancestors.

… Your heart is filled with the pain of needing to become something else in order to survive.

Your mind is full of the worldwide conditioning of ‘we don’t have a choice’. Because we are women. Because we life in a such a world. Because we come from this family. Because the system and the culture are like that.

Your body is the living memory of so much sickness, injustice, pain of this world, our history, of your land and your ancestors.

We were who ‘they’ needed us to be. Not who we truly are.

… You made me forget my breath in order to help me survive. You wanted to protect me from the pain you were feeling on a daily basis. You thought that by conditioning me to fit, obey, shut up and please I will not be feeling the suffering you felt. You believed that if I forget early enough who I am, I might have a normal life here.

You were wrong.

I do feel it. I feel it strongly. And my life is not normal here.

I cannot fit in something that does not make sense. I cannot be something I am not.

And also, I don’t want to.

I don’t want to obey, to shut up, to forget. … You have convinced my mind of many things. But you cannot make me stop from feeling. You cannot delete from my body the memory of our collective reality.

My heart and my genes are programed to remember. They only know how to be me. And not what this society needs and wants me to be.

… Society and collectivity are not the same thing.

And now I see how we all are confused about the difference between both. I am sorry I have blamed you to not teaching me something you couldn’t have possibly known. You could not know what the real collectivity is. You grew up and you were deeply wounded by society, not community.

And we collectively live in a world where many seem to think that society = togetherness of a community.

But it’s not.

Society is built on an idea of separation. Not interdependence.

It was built on the idea of power over, not power with.

Society is deeply interconnected with the idea of slavery.

There is good and bad. There is black and white. There is poor and rich.

… Society without slavery crumbles.

This is why we chose to give our power away to ‘save’ the society, and by remaining slaves ourselves.

But we are doomed. We can never achieve the togetherness in this scenario. We can never become community if we cling to our deeply conditioned, wounded and polarized society.

Society has made us forget what an actual community means. How can society restore what it has eradicated?

How can a white man teach an indigenous woman what communion with Nature, land and community means? How the school that abused them can help them to remember who they are now? How the system that has made them forget, can save and heal them today?

How can a culture that has no idea what a real community means lead, plan, promote and deliver a meaningful reconciliation strategy for a successful community building?

… You see mam how interesting and weird the reality is. When I contemplate the society, I live in, I feel like it’s very similar to what has you taught me.

But now I see that the air you were breathing when I could not yet, was not only yours. You were sharing with me our collective breath. You were showing me the quality of the air in the world I have chosen to be born in.

So, do I see what I want to see because of my conditioning? Or maybe, from the other end of that wired fractal, the inner war you have, I have, we maybe all feel it somehow?

Maybe this is why we also make war with each other. Because we all want to remember what the real community and interconnection mean, we just don’t know how to use our ‘system’ anymore to give birth to our togetherness.

We continue to believe that we can use the ‘system’ to remember what it made us forget. We think that if we can fix the ‘system’, we will rebecome community again and magically fix ourselves. Our past. Our Future. Our hearts. Our collective soul.

But how do we do this? Can we ‘heal’ the slavery with the system that relays on it to survive?

We all know what ‘system’ in the society looks and tastes like, but how the ‘system’ is and what is it made of in an authentic and real community?

Who can we ask what it could look like?

… Thank you, mam, for teaching me how to be stubborn and wild. But we both need to realize that the only way we can end the inner war is to be what we are when in a community, not in a wounded and conditioned society.

We need to learn again how to restore our natural breathing. The one we came here with. The one that reminds us about our deep interconnection and wholeness when together.

… Our breath is Life. Breathe in the Pleasure. Breathe out the Creativity. That’s it.